His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
