Sry I called you an 8
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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