you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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