My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
