somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon