Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
