I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Vodka?
Forever.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
