Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
