I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Randomize
