There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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