Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
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he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
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After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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