So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
