Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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