dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
