The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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