I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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