You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just found puke in my bra..
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
