Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
even my farts smell like vagina
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
