I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
