i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
