Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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