we have officially lost it.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
