I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
