Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
