Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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