My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
