my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
