I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
