you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Terrible idea I love it
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
