Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
