Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
