Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
