My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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