New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Also, beer. Big fan.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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