she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize