He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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