she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
