Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
