Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
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The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
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Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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