new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When did angry sex become our thing?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
