chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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