Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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