I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
