Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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