that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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