I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
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That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
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I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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