I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Randomize
