went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
