I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
