When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
