He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
