Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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