Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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