also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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