so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
