I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
