I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
